It has been one year since Chris’ passing and it seems both that he has been gone for so long and like he just left yesterday. I sat by Chris’ side as he took his last breath and from that moment on, I was lost. I cried non-stop for months and while the tears did eventually subside, still I was lost. My over riding question then became “when will I get back to normal?” I am aware my “normal” is not the same as normal for others and I have a theory that we all think we are normal and all of us are wrong.
Everyone said time heals and so I waited. I waited for the pain to subside, for the crying to stop and for this magical cure to begin. But healing implies we are brought back to our original state of being.
That we are restored to a point before the healing was necessary and from my vantage point, this simply isn’t possible. We never heal from losing someone we love.
Just like a person who loses their; sight, or limb, or any other bodily part or function we are emotionally attached to, when someone you love dies you lose a part of yourself. This forever changes who you are and how you look at and fit into the landscape surrounding you. I find the pain lessens, yet is never really gone. I have learned to incorporate it,so it is less a focus and more just another factor in my life. With time you will find a way to move about in the world again, but it will be a different world.
Today, on this anniversary, I made banana ice cream, chocolate cupcakes and chocolate pudding. I stayed on the couch and ate and watched an endless loop of Muppet Movies, which always make me smile. The dog and cats seemed to understand and they sat with me. It is a sad day and I played the “what if” game and wondered about dreams that would now never be realized, but – at the same time, I am thankful for all we had together and I would do it all over again, even being fully aware of the outcome.
Now, I laugh more than I cry, memories bring joy instead of a jolt and I am grateful for the time we shared, even the hard times. But there is and will always be a tender spot, like an eternal bruise. It reminds me to be gentle with myself and with others. It reminds me of the journey I’ve traveled, the joy and pain, it reminds me of who I used to be and points me to who I will become.
Time will not heal this tender spot, nor should it. Consider it part of the birthing process of the new you.
About Ladislao Loera and Frenzy Art:
Ladislao Loera is the owner/artist at FrenzyArt. His artwork is available on ceramic tiles , mugs , cutting boards , prints and other items. He produces his work at his studio in Austin, Tx. He has given talks on grief and loss, and on the Mexican holiday, the Day of the Dead.